The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Drop Dead Gorgas

From my other jam, Picktaintainment.com

If you see one episode of Real Housewives of Anywhere, it has to be the Season 3 premiere of New Jersey and the epic baptism party showdown that will surely reverberate throughout the entire season. Episode 2 opens in the backyard of Jacqueline’s New Jersey McMansion on a pre-Halloween day, with Caroline Manzo (as usual) acting as therapist/voice of season/wizened matriarch to she-child Theresa as she attempts to shirk off any responsibility for the melee. Her oldest daughter, Gianna, barely 9 years old, looks on exhausted by her mother’s antics as the Manzos nod arms akimbo as Melissa lays the blame squarely on her hotheaded brother Joe. (Side note: isn’t it creepy her husband and brother have the same name?)
While the events of the christening are being rehashed starting at minute one, Caroline and Jacqueline suggest Theresa be the bigger person and seek out her brother to apologize, which oddly seems a difficult task since Theresa refuses to see Joe’s insufferable NJ princess archetype, Melissa. Ever the sense-talker, Caroline reminds Theresa (without actually saying it) that they are in fact, a cast, and actually have to do things together i.e. the Posche fashion show. Theresa’s solution when she sees her sister-in-law? Hide.

New cast member Kathy invites Melissa and Joe over for dinner, and we get their side of the story. Melissa again calls out Theresa for being “fakey” (cough kettle/black cough), insisting the spotlight never should have been taken off of her at the party. By the time Theresa said congratulations, Joe had consumed more than his limit of libations, and lashed out at his sister. His excuse? He was hurt. Is that a new term for drunk and Italian? He elaborates saying he’s been continually hurt by his brother-in-law (the other Joe), claiming “verbal abuse” for the past nine years and saying it’s destroyed the relationship with both Theresa and their father. Past drama aside, male voice of reason in the form of Kathy’s kookie husband brings up the fashion show like it’s a royal coronation, and the feuding Gorgas/Guidices must meet. Dramatic fade out.

Oh, it’s time for FUR! Posche boutique’s dual team of botoxed owners“surprise” Melissa with a modeling opportunity at their fashion show. Kim G saunters in, reprising her role as s— stirrer that she played so well with Danielle’s crazy last year. Quote of the year: saying Theresa has a “crooked ass.” Gold! From clothes to make-up with get caught up with the too happy/normal/successful Manzo’s and their lone daughter, Lauren. Seriously, where’s the fun without a foreclosure or broken wine glass? It’s a welcome respite, albeit brief, watching Lauren give her mom a makeover and again, build up to the fashion show where Lauren is doing the makeup and their event venue, The Brownstone will be the setting. See- everyone’s playing a part!

Flash to Halloween in New Jersey and cheesy costumes, hideous interior decorating and Joe Gorga’s freakishly smooth back in a Snooki costume and his wife (naturally) whored up in a skin tight latex cat costume. The Guidices, who somehow still have their house and Tuscan vomit furniture, host a kids’ party and lament the absence of bro Joe while the Gorgas party with the grownups complete with party bus and northern Jersey night club. More fashion show talk/build-up, demands for apology, etc. and Kathy settles into her role in the crazy eye family as having to play both sides.

Finally! Fashion show day. The Manzos, ever the lone enduring success, work hard to set up the show. Hard work. On the Real Housewives! Who knew? Flash sideways to Theresa and Jacqueline, again, discussing the inevitable confrontation that evening and Theresa decides to say hello to Melissa. Jaqueline’s brain hamster starts spinning and she realizes that Therea’s “hello” means fisticuffs. Smart lady. Sideways flash #2 to Kathy and Melissa getting their hair done, more demands for apology.  More hairspray. I’m getting woozy.

Theresa wisely gets the hello out of the way early, and Melissa bereft of apology, grows ever more stick-up-assy. More hair, more makeup. More sequins, more leopard. THIS is a fashion show, people! Screw Milan and Paris. Sitting at opposite ends of the room, we see Melissa’s harpy-like sisters shoot daggers at Theresa. The battle gauntlet has been thrown, ladies! The drunken Posche blondes work the room, and Theresa swells with envy whenever someone talks to the harpies before finally skulking away to change for the runway show. Platforms! Feathers! Minis! Melissa works the catwalk like a Barbazon graduate workin’ for her veneers while Theresa follows to a quieted audience. Great dress, though.

Backstage Jacqueline provides the timebomb tick as a fur-ensconced Kathy drags Theresa off to the side, the latter protesting her fault and placing the blame squarely on bro Joe for the christening fallout. Kathy again cries, “someone PLEASE think of the children” accusing Theresa of abandoning her kids during the fight. Where they at a McDonald’s in the ghetto? Weak! Melissa contributes a disappointing lack of drama and mama bear Caroline shuts her and Kathy down, saving her family from further embarrassment (ha), and ending the episode on a dull decrescendo. They better step it up for Episode 3, or my drinking game will cease to be fun.

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