real housewives of new jersey: teresa’s got a gun

Ding ding ding…FIGHT! Back we go to the wilds of the New Jersey, and Andy Cohen is giving us an extra 15 minutes tonight. After a cliff hander in Jacqueline’s windowless cigar room/ torture chamber, Melissa and Teresa duke it out. Again, back to the christening throw down we go, T blames bro Joe for the brawl while Melissa puts the blame on Juicy Joe. Inevitably the two take jabs at each other’s precarious financial situations- T pointing out a lien on bro Joe’s property, and Melissa unleashing a laundry list of Giudice defaults while noting Teresa’s pricey footware. Eventually ice queen Melissa breaks under Teresa’s Gitmo-worthy bone shattering whine and lack of logic and agrees to a truce. The two hug (looks like a pink rabbit being mauled by a gorilla), but not 30 seconds later they devolve into into still more bickering. Thank the gods Jacqueline came in with cookies otherwise these two would just be a pile of weave and cheap fur.

Uh oh. The Catskills. Is this all the New Jersey housewives get vacation-wise? OC gets Cabo and San Antonio, NYC got a ridiculous (on so many levels) trip to Morocco and all NJ gets is upstate New York. Naturally Melissa is sitting this one out, instead beaming over her daughter’s invitation to a ballroom dance recital. Kids ballroom dance? Do old people even still ballroom dance? Jeezuus! In the same breath of lamenting her mother-in-law’s emotional distance in claiming she’s T’s nanny, Melissa admits to having her own “help.” Say wha? Mother of the year/future platinum pop star needs a nanny?? A few jabs at the big confrontation with T that wasn’t, and it’s off to the Catskills with the rest of the MENSA brain trust!

Oops, forgot about Kathy. Yup, she’s talking about her desserts again. Rich talks his wife into considering her own restaurant, while I’m pretty sure Kathy helped solve the infamous RHNJ blind item after noting that her husband owned/owns some gas stations. Dressed like a gay newspaper boy from Brooklyn, Kathy and Rich search for restaurant space at the finest-looking Hampton Inns in Jersey. This is not going to turn out well…

Back upstate, has Jacqueline ever left her own home? Sharing a bathroom, taxidermied animals, guns, family friends she doesn’t know- she’s about to have a full blown psychotic break. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief her insufferable daughter Ashley is missing (presumably living just like Carrie in Sex and the City, her life long dream!). Unfortunately the viewing audience wasn’t spared the sex talk, ie analingus at the dinner table and asking for oral sex pointers. Italian family conversations panic the stoic German in me, and the Giudices bring it to a whole other level. Teresa sobers up long enough to string together a sentence about (shocker) Melissa and speaking of falling outs, T reveals that Kathy’s father and her father stopped speaking over $200. Suddenly everything makes sense.

Oh god, Teresa is holding a cock ring. A VIBRATING cock ring. That’s it. I’m done.

Just in time Albie Manzo washes away the images of two Silverbacks humping in the mist, and the fancy (kinda?) Manzos roll up to add a dash of non-awfulness to the house. Pretty Hair is there too! T rehashes the throw down in her endearing, monosyllabic way to Voice of Reason, but no one believes the cease fire. Speaking of murderous idiots, while the women go shopping Juicy Joe stroks his gun in piteous envy, admiting he still can’t reign in Teresa’s spending. He can, however still do a full split, though not with the stripper-like quickness of Jacqueline… another part of blind solved? Call girls do splits, right? Then the group goes drunk quad-riding and they all die. Just kidding! They’re only dead inside.

Meanwhile back in Jersey, horny toad bro Joe tries to dry hump Melissa before leaving for a family event. Such class these Gorgas! Melissa continues to peel the onion layers of her endless list of ass kissing Joe and T’s parents, even naming their first born after her Mother-in-law. Hmm… more truth to the blind? Though it’s hard to imagine Melissa knocking boots with both Joe’s, her unrequited love towards the Gorgas smells as fishy as her cat woman Halloween costume. Antonia’s dance recital brings out the reclusive Gorgon mother-in-law, preparing to turn the crowd to stone with her steely gaze. After the world’s weirdest dance recital, complete with old women, an homage to Black Swan (I think?), Melissa pisses herself with mom-pride and gets a whole smile from her MIL! It’s a Festivus miracle.

We close with a hoe down in the Catskills with hard working folk in Carhartt jacks (aka “freaks”) forced to gaze upon Teresa dirty dancing with her toad stool husband. T gets on stage to arrange an impromptu Dating Game for Pretty Hair while Caroline looks on in mock horror as bumpkins line up. New Jersey never seemed so far away! We learn that T’s father built his own chapel at the end of the driveway (really?!), and Caroline and Jacqueline get the chuch giggles ruining T’s beautiful fur-hatted moment. Thank you, Saint Michael for a crappy extended episode! See you next week.

Originally written for Picktainment.com

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