Ding ding ding…FIGHT! Back we go to the wilds of the New Jersey, and Andy Cohen is giving us an extra 15 minutes tonight. After a cliff hander in Jacqueline’s windowless cigar room/ torture chamber, Melissa and Teresa duke it out. Again, back to the christening throw down we go, T blames bro Joe for the brawl while Melissa puts the blame on Juicy Joe. Inevitably the two take jabs at each other’s precarious financial situations- T pointing out a lien on bro Joe’s property, and Melissa unleashing a laundry list of Giudice defaults while noting Teresa’s pricey footware. Eventually ice queen Melissa breaks under Teresa’s Gitmo-worthy bone shattering whine and lack of logic and agrees to a truce. The two hug (looks like a pink rabbit being mauled by a gorilla), but not 30 seconds later they devolve into into still more bickering. Thank the gods Jacqueline came in with cookies otherwise these two would just be a pile of weave and cheap fur.

Uh oh. The Catskills. Is this all the New Jersey housewives get vacation-wise? OC gets Cabo and San Antonio, NYC got a ridiculous (on so many levels) trip to Morocco and all NJ gets is upstate New York. Naturally Melissa is sitting this one out, instead beaming over her daughter’s invitation to a ballroom dance recital. Kids ballroom dance? Do old people even still ballroom dance? Jeezuus! In the same breath of lamenting her mother-in-law’s emotional distance in claiming she’s T’s nanny, Melissa admits to having her own “help.” Say wha? Mother of the year/future platinum pop star needs a nanny?? A few jabs at the big confrontation with T that wasn’t, and it’s off to the Catskills with the rest of the MENSA brain trust!

Oops, forgot about Kathy. Yup, she’s talking about her desserts again. Rich talks his wife into considering her own restaurant, while I’m pretty sure Kathy helped solve the infamous RHNJ blind item after noting that her husband owned/owns some gas stations. Dressed like a gay newspaper boy from Brooklyn, Kathy and Rich search for restaurant space at the finest-looking Hampton Inns in Jersey. This is not going to turn out well…

Back upstate, has Jacqueline ever left her own home? Sharing a bathroom, taxidermied animals, guns, family friends she doesn’t know- she’s about to have a full blown psychotic break. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief her insufferable daughter Ashley is missing (presumably living just like Carrie in Sex and the City, her life long dream!). Unfortunately the viewing audience wasn’t spared the sex talk, ie analingus at the dinner table and asking for oral sex pointers. Italian family conversations panic the stoic German in me, and the Giudices bring it to a whole other level. Teresa sobers up long enough to string together a sentence about (shocker) Melissa and speaking of falling outs, T reveals that Kathy’s father and her father stopped speaking over $200. Suddenly everything makes sense.

Oh god, Teresa is holding a cock ring. A VIBRATING cock ring. That’s it. I’m done.

Just in time Albie Manzo washes away the images of two Silverbacks humping in the mist, and the fancy (kinda?) Manzos roll up to add a dash of non-awfulness to the house. Pretty Hair is there too! T rehashes the throw down in her endearing, monosyllabic way to Voice of Reason, but no one believes the cease fire. Speaking of murderous idiots, while the women go shopping Juicy Joe stroks his gun in piteous envy, admiting he still can’t reign in Teresa’s spending. He can, however still do a full split, though not with the stripper-like quickness of Jacqueline… another part of blind solved? Call girls do splits, right? Then the group goes drunk quad-riding and they all die. Just kidding! They’re only dead inside.

Meanwhile back in Jersey, horny toad bro Joe tries to dry hump Melissa before leaving for a family event. Such class these Gorgas! Melissa continues to peel the onion layers of her endless list of ass kissing Joe and T’s parents, even naming their first born after her Mother-in-law. Hmm… more truth to the blind? Though it’s hard to imagine Melissa knocking boots with both Joe’s, her unrequited love towards the Gorgas smells as fishy as her cat woman Halloween costume. Antonia’s dance recital brings out the reclusive Gorgon mother-in-law, preparing to turn the crowd to stone with her steely gaze. After the world’s weirdest dance recital, complete with old women, an homage to Black Swan (I think?), Melissa pisses herself with mom-pride and gets a whole smile from her MIL! It’s a Festivus miracle.

We close with a hoe down in the Catskills with hard working folk in Carhartt jacks (aka “freaks”) forced to gaze upon Teresa dirty dancing with her toad stool husband. T gets on stage to arrange an impromptu Dating Game for Pretty Hair while Caroline looks on in mock horror as bumpkins line up. New Jersey never seemed so far away! We learn that T’s father built his own chapel at the end of the driveway (really?!), and Caroline and Jacqueline get the chuch giggles ruining T’s beautiful fur-hatted moment. Thank you, Saint Michael for a crappy extended episode! See you next week.

Originally written for Picktainment.com

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Are we at the point where we miss Danielle Staub yet? Maybe even Dina? The sub plots this season are a sad state of affairs considering the season premier Gorga/Giudice blow out, so how can the Manzo boys moving out, Ashley begging for parental hand outs and The Letter to bro Joe from Teresa carry the rest of the season? Ew, whose tacky ass mid-90s Ferrari is that?

Episode 4 opens with Melissa’s “singing” and some tearful reminiscing over this wasted talent. Joe vows to take the place of Melissa’s dead father (ed: come again?) and help push her career forward while still being a full time mom/kitchen slave. On the other side of menopause hill, Caroline Manzo laments her empty nest (poor, forgotten Lauren), and contemplates her future sharing her Voice of Reason with the masses. Mark this day, readers, as the first time a Bravo Housewife’s side venture is actually a potentially good idea.

Back to pouting wanna-be Carrie Bradshaw sub plot, we see Jacqueline and husband having a thoughtful conversation with Ashley about buying her another car. See, her first car was taken away due to bad behavior (weave pulling, charges, etc.), so this time she’s going to make payments and find a paying job (without a degree) and pick up her impractical vehicle for city life (another Jeep). New Jersey confuses the s#(@ outta me.

At chez Giudice, finally a response from bro Joe to Teresa’s letter! Nothing says Hallmark moment like an exchange of voicemails in bed with the kids. Speaking of touching family vignettes, Kathy and Rich sit down to negotiate renewing contracts with their kids. What, no notary present? Joseph confesses that he may be confronted with alcohol late in high school, and Jeff Goldblum Rich walks the fine line between “trying too hard to be cool dad” and “sensible dad” when offering to have a drink with his son should he be curious. Later in the ep, we learn Kathy’s daughter had a massive brain tumor way back when Teresa and Joe were still civil. Does everything center around these two adult toddlers?

Uh oh, is Melissa cheating on Posche? Erez boutique seems to cater to the same in Jersey couture- chinchilla trimmed puffy coats and the like, so it’s a logical place to find a classy holiday ensemble. While Melissa twirls around, there’s a pot/kettle/black cut to Teresa snarking on Melissa’s not having to work. Honey, one cookbook does not a lifelong author make! Melissa reveals to her sisters that Joe is supporting her music career despite his preference for her to be “pregnant and in the kitchen,” and the big haired brood collectively gasps with excitement/jealousy.

Back in ground zero of peace negotiations, bro Joe commits to Gia’s gymnastics meet while Teresa reminds him her litter of hair-pulling gremlins have meets 6 times a week. Teresa immediately calls Jacqueline, whose on her way to pick up Ashley’s Jeep that “she” has to pay for. While signing paperwork Jacqueline laments losing her position as chauffeur in Ashley’s life. Another bird leaves the RHNJ nest.

Melissa meets an actual talented music person, and we have this season’s Kim Zolsiak/Countess Luanne/Danielle Staub embarrassing song moment. Kathy cuts in to remind us it’s actually 1950 in New Jersey and it’s perfectly acceptable to give up your dreams for your family, only to have to desperately claw your way to happiness… eventually. At least Caroline is using her discernible talent to tell people what to do on the radio! Her first order of business is counseling Jacqueline on the Giudice/Gorga feud before meeting with a producer and running through different life scenarios, prompting this legitimate gem, “if Facebook ruined your marriage, then your marriage was broken before Facebook ever came along.” Heart.

Finally the big event! Bro Joe and Melissa roll in late to Gia’s gymnastics meet, missing all of the events and become scapegoats for Gia’s meh performance. Teresa bitches about her brother’s mix up of times, climbing up on the cross without losing her breath. Impressive! The couples share an awkward goodbye as the rift widens. Tear. Melissa’s laments her outsider status despite a masters degree in Gorga, and hops on on the cross taking the blame for the schism. Bro Joe maintains his innocence, keeping the blame squarely on Teresa setting up for the next episode of possible anticlimaxes and near-showdowns. Until next week!

Originally written for Picktainment.com

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