@biermann71 and I are happy to announce the birth of our son today Kroy Jagger Biermann is healthy & beautiful We are so in love!

Every time I look at Kim I have to tell myself girlfriend is only 32 years old and not a 40-something melted wax candle with a lace front wig. At least she has two built in babysitters and Sweetie to tend to her spawn while she nurtures that amazing singing career!

What do you think Nene will have to say about this hmmm?

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Ish just got real! Snooki is in a neck brace and everything and she’s built like a mini orange tank. I’m picturing the cops in full traction, but supposedly they only suffered minor whiplash. If Snooki does have charges filed against her, she’d be forced to stand trial in Italy and turn into Amanda Knox II. Which just leaves one question, who would play Snooks in the Lifetime Original Movie??

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Oh, Snooki. Just weeks after Italy was up in arms over your (embarrassing) presence, you go and smash into a police escort. After seeing the stereotypically bad driving skills the Jersey Shore females on the relatively safe streets of the US, letting them drive in Italy seems to be the best/worst idea ever.

According to TMZ, authorities questioned Snooki (nee Nicole Polizzi) and Deena Cortese, but let them back onto the streets of Florence free of booze. Shocking considering these two must have a consistent BAL of 2.0. The policemen injured in the crash were taken away on stretchers (!) as a precaution for whiplash. Oh, those Italians… such drama queens.

After Sitch’ and Ronnie got into a bitch fight last week, this season is shaping up to be much better than last (aka the Ronnie and Sam Drama Hour). Let the count down begin!

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Cross posted from Picktainment.com:

After an anti-climactic end to Episode 2 of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 3 hints at more drama to come between the Guidices and the Gorgas. We start with the inevitable rehash of the snoozie confrontation between Kathy and Teresa, and Kathy’s husband playing the part ofThe Voice of Reason. Kathy laments the bad impression she made at the Brownstone, and now has to go about befriending Caroline after the embarrassing incident with Teresa.

Do I head a nasal voice in the second scene? Yes! Teresa is back shilling her cookbook. Taking a page from Real Housewives of New York alum and legitimate success, Bethany Frankel, Teresa sashays into a kitchen of chefs and a Terry Richardson look alike of a photographer (seriously, that mustache is freaking me out). After nitpicking photos of “her” recipes, Teresa announces a second book entitled, wait for it, Fabulicious. Get it? It’s fabulous AND delicious! In the same breath she drops two more gems, “ingrediences” and pronouncing cumin as “cummin’.”

In an unfortunate segue from “cummin’”/cumin, we learn that Joe get pissy if his wife doesn’t put out at his command. Lovely. She explains the lack of sex (a whole 3 days) is due to the fashion show stress, and it’s time for rehash #2 of the non-frontation. Looks like two things didn’t climax that night, am I right?

During moving day for the Manzo boys, Aunt Jacqueline, who in the previous scene paid a psychic to tell her everything we know, brings a stripper pole. Plus one for Auntie J! The bros settle in and discuss forgotten daughter Lauren’s plans to get engaged and move out. These people are so damn boring they had to bring in a long lost gay friend to add some fun. And a dog. Still boring. Jacqueline brings some spice to the clan with a dramatic past that clearly had an effect on her ne’er do well daughter, Ashley. Ergo, rather than blaming her spoiled spawn for her lack of worth ethic, Jacqueline cites a broken home for her issues. If I was born 5 years later, would I have zero accountability too?

In the theme of amend-making, Kathy comes bearing flowers at chez Manzo to try and smooth over the brief scuffle at The Brownstone. Rehash #3! Caroline says what’s on all our minds and blurts out, “I don’t care” while putting on The Voice of Reason hat and reminding Kathy that her issues with Teresa are her own.

From naked kids bathing at the Gorgas (ed. note: wrong), we’re back to a pouting Kathy disappointed…. until her husband surprises her with a brand new Benz in the driveway! Wounds are easily mended with hunks of German metal in the land of New Jersey. Oh and clothes, as Teresa, Jacqueline and Caroline remind us while ransacking a boutique in the city. Teresa gem #3, “I used to work in the fashion industry… I worked at Macy’s.” Priceless. Somewhere in the crowing there’s another rehash of the christening, and The Voice of Reason has to step in with Jacqueline taking up the solution caboose. C’mon ladies, listen to Caroline at all times!

Did Joe Gorga just equate lack of sex to popping a white head? I’ve never been so happy for a quick cut to commercial.

In the waning minutes of the show, Teresa and Jacqueline put their handful of braincells together to draft the letter to bro Joe with Jacqueline insisting Teresa bring up Melissa. Red flag! That woman is a bronzed landmine. Fast forward to a table full of discarded letters and an exhausted brain trust. Has anyone met a man that likes to read, let alone a diminutive man with a serious Napoleon complex? Joe immediately blows up at just the sight of the note (not a good sign), and the letter doesn’t seem to do much smoothing with the stubborn baboon bro. Melissa insists on a meeting, closing the show and setting up for a dramatic duel Thanksgiving showdown. Dun dun dun…

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“Actor Christopher Knight and his wife, model and television star Adrianne Curry have announced today on their five-year wedding anniversary that they are separating. After starting a relationship with what seemed to be irreconcilable differences, the couple has reached a period where those differences are no longer appreciated. The decision was mutually reached after it became clear to both that some perspective was needed in order to assess their unique union. Not unlike all marriages, work must be put in.

Obvious to both Knight and Curry was that their marriage would require more effort then a garden-variety relationship. They are taking time to see if they want to continue to put in that extraordinary effort. The couple has mutually determined that they are at a place where moving forward will require a step back. They still love one another but need some distance to consider their future.

Both Knight and Curry decided to release this joint announcement today in order to preempt any potential rumors and gossip and ask that their fans and the media respect their privacy during this delicate period.”

Their reality show(s?) from back in the day (aka just a few years ago) were mildly entertaining, if only because they were so obviously doomed for divorce. Adrianne (still my first and favorite ANTM alum) was meant for wilder pastures, not cooped up with an ex-child star.

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Truthfully, Dancing With the Stars gives me flashbacks to my crazy (and I mean CRAZY) old roommate. I’d come home and she’d be sitting in the living room, alone in the dark for 5 hours straight watching TV. She was a dozen cats and a wire hanger obsession away from full blown crazy.

Anywaaaay… Kirstie Alley continues to nomnom the (calorie free!) spotlight by losing more weight, claiming that they costume department had to take in her original Dancing dress in by a ridic’ 38 inches. As to the secret of her weight loss (wait, isn’t dancing your ass off- literally- not much of a secret?), Alley was mum.

Despite having less weight to throw around, her whiny partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy, tells AOL TV that this season has left him “drained.”

“I don’t know,” he shared. “It takes a lot out of you. When you invest that much of you into something that’s supposed to be just work you [can] get misinterpreted. I don’t know [if I'm coming back]. We’ll see. Right now, I’m drained.”

Image from Access Hollywood.

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Premiering on June 1, The World According to Paris will dazzle viewers with her worldly education, rapier wit, and entourage of esteemed intellectuals. Oh wait, nope. It’s her with a mini horse and douchey boyfriend as they pout their way through LA. My bad.

Will I watch it? Probably, if only in the interest of journalistic integrity… and a little schadenfreude.

Image and video from Daily Mail.

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Admit it, you watch at least one terrible reality show. I’ll openly confess that I watch more than one, but there are plenty that are beneath me (mostly network competition shows a la the Bachelor/ette). So whatever your poison, what better time than summer to indulge in some serious schlock!

Come June 12, Coco and former NWA rapper Ice-T debut their new reality show on E! chronicling their unique lifestyles. He, a former rapper known for his controversial “cop killing” lyrics that were de rigeur in the ’90s, is now a top biller on Law and Order: SVU. She, a self-proclaimed entrepreneur just released an eye-popping dress line, and is mostly famous for her anatomically impossible curves. Together they’re red carpet show stoppers, unapologetic of their wild sex life and with that formula, sure to be reality success.

Also returning to E! June 12, the 6^th season of the inexplicably popular Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They’re not relatable (unless at one point you were married to a pro athlete or high profile LA attorney), and have become insufferable. All of the girls have a spin off, and even the underage half-sisters have risen to prominence thanks to age-inappropriate modeling gigs.

If competition shows are more your speed, So You Think You Can Dance returns to Fox May 26^th and Hell’s Kitchen is back July 19.

CBS’s Big Brother returns July 7^th and they’re debuting a new show called Same Name, which is exactly what you think. Average Joes with the same names as celebrity change places and hilarity ensues. Or so CBS hopes.

Over at NBC America’s Got Talent returns May 31^st, and for some ungodly reason the terrible show The Marriage Ref is back June 26^th. Funny that Jerry Seinfeld seems to have distanced himself from the show that brings a panel of sometimes A-List celebs to discuss the marital problems of people in Middle America.

Finally Bravo (my favorite network, obviously) just debuted the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey sans Danielle Staub. The new cast has been not so quietly rumored to be entirely broke and living their lavish lifestyles for the cameras while going broke behind the scenes. Should be a good season, even without Staub’s mind-bending crazy.

So, set your DVRs and shut down your cerebral functions for a few months, kids! It’s gonna be a crazy couple of months.

Also published on Picktainment.com!

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Beamed directly from Score’s online peeler site, Staub will make “occasional” appearances and do one live show a year for the duration of her three year contract. I’m afraid to click on the pics from TMZ since I don’t want to vom all over my brand new MacBook (does the Genius Bar have a teeny tiny vacuum?).

I still haven’t watched the premier ep’ of Real Housewives of NJ, so I can’t say if it suffers from lack of bi-polarity. Something tells me that the rest of the cast can pick up the crazy slack, even if it means no more of this:

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Choosing his mediocre reality show (aka cash cow) over a presidential run (aka cash black hole), the ever-humble Donald Trump released a statement today saying he’s bowing out of the 2012 race.

Quoth the combed-over one:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

I would have thought that Trump would limp through another few months (all the while providing awesome fodder for The Daily Show), but alas, it’s back to Celebrity Apprentice.

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